Keep Learning, Aging One

Today I turn forty-one years old. My year of being forty held many surprises, most of which I deemed not very positive. The year was also marked by a lot of really normal life, like cyclical household and parenting duties. But through all the oddities and monotonies, a theme of learning and inspiration emerged. As I learned to recognize it, God’s provision came through time after time. And with that, a new desire and directive formed in my heart: Do something you were created to do; write about stuff. Record the beauty, the ah-ha moments, the realizations of when you could feel God’s smile. Over the years, it will become a map of your life that will help your journey to make sense.  

After all, when you’re forty, you can officially let go of your teenage insecurities. Sometimes I get the mischievous feeling that I can say to the people who think I’m odd: “You don’t have any effect on me; I am my own person now.” Which isn’t entirely true, of course. I still get hurt pretty easily. But I’m growing—I do muster up my courage a little more often now than I did when I was thirty. Helen Keller wrote, “Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.” I think that writing those lessons down is part of living and understanding them.

When you’re forty, you can officially let go of your teenage insecurities.

Many of the disappointments of last year, some of which were related to the pandemic, had to do with my plans and goals being thwarted time after time. It didn’t help that in my daily housewife and mom life, I also experienced a lot of inefficiency. So I started to develop a complex related to “not being able to get anything done.” I mean, really, I would tell myself, what kind of person can’t even get her dishes done every day? Seriously. What is wrong with you? And I would think of all the things I’ve started and not finished, or else finished way beyond a reasonable time limit. Those two online courses I bought. That dress I worked on sewing for literally TWO MONTHS. That sweater project that was supposed to come together in one hour and had to be revamped and renovated for days and weeks. That pile of papers on the desk that keeps multiplying faster than rabbits.  

And then, gently, God’s provision, this time a reassuring echo that probably originated from one of the minimalist YouTubers I follow: “Actually, you can do it. You can live into the person God’s created you to be. God isn’t just sitting there saying, ‘See, I thought you couldn’t get anything done, you inept person, you.’ Instead, He’s saying, ‘I believe you can get something done. It’s okay to do a little at a time. Just try again. You can do it.’ ”

So this blog feels like a real step toward mustering courage to DO something that’s measurable, and something that reflects who I was created to be. It’s been two months in the making (something else that dragged on much longer than originally anticipated), but it is getting launched.

A few caveats seem to be appropriate here.

This blog isn’t about “being an influencer.” It’s about what I’m learning and how you might be encouraged through seeing my journey. I cringe at the mere suggestion of setting myself up to be an influencer. All those inefficiencies of which I spoke? They happen even though I get a babysitter for my boys probably more often than any other mother in my church community. I deal with mom guilt an awful lot because of that. But I’m working on being okay with my needs being different from anyone else’s.

This blog isn’t about creating the perfect-looking home. It’s about finding and creating moments of beauty as time and energy allows. And it’s not about minimalism, although I am immensely fascinated with the concept. Nor is it about food, but . . . when food is beautiful and inspiring, I will probably write about it.

Why the focus on beauty? I have noticed how calming and enjoyable it is to look at beautiful spaces, to be in nature on a mild day, and even to look at a beautiful picture. Author Aundi Kolber put words to my feelings in her book Try Softer. In it she talks about how “beauty hunting” is healing, and how it’s used during therapy. It really is a thing. I think it’s because beauty reminds us of a place in which nothing bad can occur. It’s a hint of heaven that God has graciously provided for us while we go through this earthly life.  We just have to realize it’s there. And here. And everywhere, if we just look for it.

Beauty reminds us of a place in which nothing bad can occur.

I want this space on the internet to be about the journey to wholeness, a place where I share beauty, truth, and goodness. I’m sure I will be tempted to vent my frustrations or get on a soapbox at times, but that’s not my goal or purpose here. Similar to my beliefs about what should get posted on Facebook, I plan to studiously avoid controversy, anger, and unkindness. I may be criticized for not sharing all of reality. That’s okay. This is a place for healing, not a place to foster angst and negativity.

So here we go. My forty-one-year-old self now has a website and an outlet for the many cogitations in her mind. Enjoy it with me!